221. Find a Problem, Make a Job

Give some­one a job to solve a prob­lem and you can bet the prob­lem will never go away. There is, after all, a job at stake. That is why the mil­i­tary is usu­ally a growth indus­try, not to men­tion lawyers, med­ical researchers and insur­ance agents. Man­darins – nowa­days we call them man­agers – have mul­ti­plied their pres­ence for cen­turies, squeez­ing oth­ers to fund their own com­fort. Recently I’ve pitched camp in a police state, where ever expand­ing squadrons of police are required to coun­ter the ‘mass inci­dents’ their pres­ence incites, and count­less ‘cen­sors’, a.k.a. domes­tic spies, pro­lif­er­ate to pro­tect the ‘secrets’ other folk call com­mon social knowl­edge. Oh well, in dif­fer­ent times and places they dealt in the prob­lem of solv­ing death itself, called the faith­ful to church and kept count­less pious agents of God in bread and wine. What is the next prob­lem-growth indus­try for an ambi­tious young fel­low?

 

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220. Human Decorations

Men want to be admired veg­eta­bles and women want to be desired veg­eta­bles. For a brief time as young plants they grow legs and arms and brains. The evo­lu­tion­ary pur­pose of these appendages is to find a good gar­den plot. Once safely located, all mech­a­nisms for move­ment and and think­ing are shed.

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217. Articulating Failure

It is often said that the path to sta­ble gov­er­nance lies in offer­ing the able a way to suc­ceed. Block­ing the ambi­tions of the most capa­ble, or per­haps the most ruth­less peo­ple is surely an invi­ta­tion to civil unrest. Yet dis­con­tent is con­tain­able if it is leav­ened by hope. The great­est dis­con­tent must surely be that of the major­ity, not the A-list win­ners, but that vast mass or ordi­nary peo­ple who can never hope to claw to the top of what­ever greasy power struc­ture their cul­ture offers at the moment. Keep­ing them quiet is a major under­tak­ing. Repres­sion and ter­ror is an option, but it is an unsta­ble solu­tion with fatal defects. Dis­tract­ing failed ambi­tion with sport and reli­gion is viable, though not with­out dan­gers of extrem­ism. Both are age old tools of social man­age­ment in the West­ern tra­di­tion, and recently redis­cov­ered as opi­ates by the Chi­nese rul­ing class. A more recent Amer­i­can inven­tion, seda­tion of the larger pop­u­la­tion by junk food, junk enter­tain­ment, junk edu­ca­tion and junk news, seems des­tined in the medium term to destroy the state rather than pre­serve the elites. Appar­ently, for the elites to keep their priv­i­leges, there have to be trade-offs for the mass of also-rans: between hope (how­ever delu­sional) and sur­viv­ing the daily humil­i­a­tion of being nobody in an avari­cious world.

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216. What seems to be the trouble with your country?

You have a king (rule by whim and van­ity)
You have an aris­toc­racy (rule by snobs)
You have a mil­i­tary dic­ta­tor or jaunta (rule by the gun)
You have a com­mu­nist dic­ta­tor­ship (rule by big brother)
You have a fas­cist dic­ta­tor­ship (rule by the jack-boot)
You have a theoc­racy (rule by reli­gious delu­sion)
You have a plu­toc­racy (rule by the born to stay rich)
You have a mer­can­toc­racy (rule by the born to get rich)
You have a klep­toc­racy (rule by thieves)
You have a psy­chotic­oc­racy (rule by the crazy)
You have a psy­chopathoc­racy (rule by dis­pas­sion­ate killers)
You have a fana­toc­racy (rule by fanat­ics)
You have a bureau­cracy (rule by clerks)
You have a tech­noc­racy (rule by geeks)
You have a mer­i­toc­racy (rule by the earnestly wor­thy)
You have a medioc­racy (rule by the ruth­lessly incom­pe­tent)
You have a mediaoc­racy (rule by gos­sip whole­salers)
You have an intel­loc­racy (rule by the born to be right)
You have a peasan­toc­racy (rule by peas­ants)
You have a yoboc­racy (rule by the com­pul­sively anti-intel­lec­tual)
You have a sci­en­toc­racy (rule by the com­pul­sively ana­lytic)
You have a scholas­tic­oc­racy (rule by dis­tracted aca­d­e­mics)
You have a teenoc­racy (rule by teenagers)
You have a fick­leoc­racy (rule by the season’s fash­ions)
You have a glu­toc­racy (rule by glut­tony – yours and theirs)
You have a democ­racy (rule by the mob)
You’ve had hyp­ocrites
You have a headache

 

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211. The High Price of Friends

The trou­ble with peo­ple is that they eat, drink and inhale. When you hang out with these crit­ters they get twitchy if you don’t agree to destroy your own body with unwanted food, and poi­son your brain with booze, sug­ary drinks, cig­a­rettes or what­ever other drugs buzz their friends. It’s all a con­spir­acy. For long life, you need to go and live alone in a cave. Heck, new research shows that eunuchs in old Korea lived around 14 years longer than their shag­ging kings and con­cu­bi­nes. That’s just from giv­ing up sex. By giv­ing up friends alto­gether we might live long enough to see if excite­ment really does begin when our teeth have fal­len out.

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196. In Praise of Small Men with Big Feet

For a small man with big feet, big ears, a big nose, crooked teeth, anti-social habits and no respect for author­ity, being over 60 is not such a bad age in my expe­ri­ence, espe­cially if you can still do a few push-ups. The com­pe­ti­tion has long since grown beer bel­lies, devel­oped bad breath and lost their crown­ing glory. When you are 20 as a small man with big feet da da, all the beau­ti­ful peo­ple con­sider that you have no right to exist, so you have to waste time kick­ing them in the ankles.

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194. Why Are You Here?

Long ago, when the Inter­net was new (in the early 1990s), I set up a form-mail on my web­site to ask “What is the most inter­est­ing ques­tion in your life, and when do you expect to get an answer to that ques­tion?” For me, the broad answer was easy: “How does it work?” is the most inter­est­ing ques­tion. Answer­ing “How does it work?” (… a car, a gar­den, a brain, a cul­ture …) keeps me young and curi­ous, never bored. How­ever, most peo­ple who filled in the form asked this ques­tion: “Why am I here?”. They seemed to mean “Why was I born”, and they weren’t expect­ing an answer like “.. because mum and dad had it off one Sat­ur­day night”. They wanted some god sit­ting on a thun­der cloud to say that they were cho­sen for a holy mis­sion, and were there­fore spe­cial. To me that’s a pretty silly story, but I sup­pose if you believe it, then you have a rea­son to get out of bed every day. Maybe that is all that mat­ters. Or to be hon­est, maybe some “Why” ques­tions just don’t have an answer (so why waste your short life ask­ing?).

Still not sat­is­fied? OK, here is a big pic­ture answer, as good as any: I know why I am here. Like you I am a care­taker gifted with a lit­tle intel­li­gence to use wisely, a hum­ble war­den for a small planet we call Earth, and all the liv­ing things upon it. The role I may per­form badly. I am often self­ish, often par­ti­san, but when the dust clears I know where the ground is under my feet. I am not a man from Alpha Cen­tauri, and I am not a man from some con­crete apart­ment block in some name­less city of an invented coun­try. I am a man from Earth, and Earth is always wait­ing for my care.

 

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